To my valued and esteemed patronage,

You have no doubt noticed the conditions of my parlour. Times being what they are, I'm ashamed and afraid to confess my lack of funds in the contemporary sense. However, let me assure you these conditions will be fixed, partly of course due your aforementioned payments. Keep in mind that the situation does not preclude the treatment I will give you in either situation - that is to say, pamper you to the best of my means.

Enter Sweeney's parlour, home to the shave and the trimmed hair. Luxurious oils will coat your skin like precious rubies, and with the essence of gentleness itself, a razor will cleave to rid you of your condition. The closest shave you'll ever have, guaranteed, or the next one is for free. At your choice, you might get a garnishing of various herbs and colognes, to best serve you. Sweeney is at your disposal, friend.

At your leisure, you might step down to Mrs Lovett, who is the tenant of the propriety under me. She, of course, makes the finest meat pies in town, a delight on the tongue. As you walk down, mind not as your nose is assailed by wondrous odours. And have a seat, she'll be with you shortly. You'll have the chance to experience another pleasure of our clientele; that is to say, enjoy the same thing the rest of our patrons might have - a delicious freshly baked meat pie. Juices will run across your chin as you dig your teeth in the pie, and the hostess will look on approvingly as she brings you your tot of gin, asking you if you crave another piece.

With all that having been said, it is my pleasure to welcome you to Sweeney's parlour, where we look forward to having you.